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Thursday, 30 October 2014

Friends-the one with Monica's broken dinner service

I think it's the drugs. 

But there's a bit in Friends where just for a moment I laughed out loud very hard. 

Phoebe and Joey are setting up the thanksgiving dinner puddings and said we thought it'd be nice to use the better dinner service for pie. 

Yeah, said Monica, then maybe later we can go and blow our noses on my wedding dress!

Oh I loled. 

P has been amazing today. First day at home and I have pottered and not known what to do with myself, pacing from room to room and forgetting what to do from one moment to the next. It's been work in progress just getting up.

I have found great comfort in music though, is causing emotions in me that I haven't felt listening to music for years. 

Folk. 

Yes that right. 

Folk. 

I haven't listened to music like this for a long time. Show of Hands are the band of choice. Can't tell you why. Deacon Blue's new one too. It's just moving me. I feel like it's enough to just listen to it and feel calm inside. And sit. And be. 

Weird. 

I'm a folk fan now then. I blame last nights long journey home from the hospital for that, listendto all of the r2 folk show. 

Tonight was scared of how I'd feel when P picked Tilda up to bring her home from nursery. But she was no different with me, that's the resilience of a 4 year old. 

Tuesday, 28 October 2014

Lucidity.

Because I am lucid with my written words this may make you think I can talk easily. The difference between speech and written words in the brain is huge and I have had the tumour removed near my speech centre of the brain and it is bruised. Therefore I am finding it difficult to put things into words and talk out loud. I am distressed by this but it won't stop me writing.

It took Paul to point this out and it gave me great comfort today. I am more lucid than I think I am.

My old teacher Mrs O Leary always said she thought I'd be able to write a book.

Maybe this is the way forward for me. It may take a while for the swelling to go down in the speech area.

I am finding it difficult to talk to even the doctors and Paul and Tilda. I feel like I am a spectator on life only able to comment on things and not join in.

Tilda came in today and I was struck by just how grown up she is, and she's just 4. I struggled with the chatter and to know what to say to her and Paul when it is all up here in my head not knowing how to come out. She must wonder what's going on, so must P, but I can't tell them. It's not possible. It's forever stuck in thoughts and feelings lost. I will think of these days as the lost days.

The steroids worry me though, as to how they can make you feel so very out of yourself.  I wrote him a brain addled steroid induced email at midnight last night that I hope he'll not ever read.

Oh Rod, Jane and Freddie how have you done this to me?


The Noggin Bloggin.

So. Here we are. 4 days post awake craniotomy and it feels like I am me. A little less of me to be honest. The bit in my head wrapping itself round my brain less of me yes. The bad bit. There are still two more bits in there. And the threat of recurrence. Oh. But for now this is where we are. A bit less of the bad stuff that's been growing inside me without me knowing. My tumour! Funny how I didn't actually think I'd be able to say that. Shall we name them? The bit that's gone and the bits that are left? Rod, Jane and Freddy. Rod's all but gone, jane's in the middle next to my hand function, and Fredddy is in too deep. Like Genesis. Oh the drug addled brain is making these bad jokes happen.

The story of Rod, Jane and Freddy.

Today it's about trying to function when the steroids make me feel rough and agitated and sleepy at the same time. Negotiating visits from Paul and lovely Mouse. Trying not to cry when I see Mouse. Trying not to get frustrated when NOTHINGS HAPPENING WITH MY FOOT OR THE REFERAL.

Trying to cope with another day in the John Radcliffe.


 Let's not mention the most pressing need of the day, constipation. I have to get out of here today.