Lucidity.

Because I am lucid with my written words this may make you think I can talk easily. The difference between speech and written words in the brain is huge and I have had the tumour removed near my speech centre of the brain and it is bruised. Therefore I am finding it difficult to put things into words and talk out loud. I am distressed by this but it won't stop me writing.

It took Paul to point this out and it gave me great comfort today. I am more lucid than I think I am.

My old teacher Mrs O Leary always said she thought I'd be able to write a book.

Maybe this is the way forward for me. It may take a while for the swelling to go down in the speech area.

I am finding it difficult to talk to even the doctors and Paul and Tilda. I feel like I am a spectator on life only able to comment on things and not join in.

Tilda came in today and I was struck by just how grown up she is, and she's just 4. I struggled with the chatter and to know what to say to her and Paul when it is all up here in my head not knowing how to come out. She must wonder what's going on, so must P, but I can't tell them. It's not possible. It's forever stuck in thoughts and feelings lost. I will think of these days as the lost days.

The steroids worry me though, as to how they can make you feel so very out of yourself.  I wrote him a brain addled steroid induced email at midnight last night that I hope he'll not ever read.

Oh Rod, Jane and Freddie how have you done this to me?