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Saturday, 22 November 2014

Don't stress...

It's been a funny few days of feeling .....funny. 

i dont know how to stop the stressing .

my head is full of stuff, lists and things to do and meal plans and got to do thises and then i had my radiotherapy mask made and i am now stressing about who to put on the rota for that as what if someone really really wants to help out but i dont ask them and they are offended, and when they say they can do wednesdays but not fridays what if i had them down for fridays and ......

Andie says she will coordinate it like she did for her dad. But its not just the appointments, its about Tilda and seeing her and managing that .

my head is aching and my heart is beating too fast. the gp on monday gave nicola and i some light relief when he was pretty much useless, what with his mumbled talk of well we could do this, but medication is addictive and youre on a list for cbt but it might be a long wait and....

then becki took me to the macmillan clinic to see the prof my oncologist and they were playing mousse t and horny in the the waiting room.

the diets going well though. apart from the waking at 4am and stressing about what we are going to eat. coconut pancakes? cloud bread?

stop stressing and relax. how?
 
i have learned that i have more energy if i am outside. and a walk is good.

i have learned that if i have a seizure then its not the end of the world. yes i had another one when clare came round after a very busy and stressy day. i have learned that i can feel them coming and need to rest  

it has been a long week and i am not any further on. i am starting to feel trapped within this diagnosis and small in this existence but then i have 6 weeks of treatment to come, and then 6 months beyond that. p says thats a state of mind. he has no idea what it feels like to be in my head, but he is trying. He has been out this week doing things, being at the trade show, seeing clients and being with people, but my life has become small and about little tasks, gettng to appointments, looking after Tilda. these are the things i am responsible for, and when you get down to those, no wonder you stress. we used to joke or get annoyed with his nan for wanting to plan everything about our visits, from the chicken to the what time are you leaving, i understand now, that gave her stress as she had nothing else to stress about. 

lack of punctuation cos of tiredness by the way.



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